Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love
–Ephesians 4:2
Forward
While studying psychology and comparative religion in graduate school, I developed an interested in the idea of psychological boundaries.
A previous version of this article discussed my perception of internet users in G8 and non-G8 countries and their apparently different understandings of so-called ‘appropriate boundaries.’
But today this kind of distinction doesn’t really hold up.
Life is too complicated. And thanks to the success of the internet and other factors like Europe gelling and rapid Asian economic growth, the balance of power in the world is changing.
As a result, the Global Village is getting smaller and possibly more homogenous.
Although I’ve modified my views over the past few years, the following preserves the essence of the original article.
Introduction
The internet has quickly become widespread but it’s still relatively new.
At the beginning of the web revolution much emphasis was given to new maladies such as ‘internet addiction,’ ‘big brother in the workplace’ and ‘cyberstalking.’
But soon after other web-related issues came to the fore and simple communicating through the internet became hip again. Just think of YouTube, Facebook, MySpace, Flickr, Blogger, WordPress and the up and comer, Twitter.
Perhaps it’s symbolic that Bill Gates is stepping aside from Microsoft. Amidst all the financial hits, misses and dramatic change, one thing seems certain–professional and media opinions about the web have changed along with it.
It’s a different world from when the original version of this article appeared. But, as argued the first time around, it’s still easier to fall into psychological projection and fantasy on the web than it is with face to face relationships.
We often don’t know the backgrounds, agendas and connections of internet users. So one has to be careful.
There’s a great potential for goodness on the web. But not unlike a massive sea creature, there’s also a dark underbelly to be wary of.
After several years of networking with people on many different levels, the following tips are designed to promote a better, safer and more realistic internet experience.
Like any set of general guidelines, however, they’re just suggestions and there are always exceptions.
Give the benefit of the doubt
Don’t jump to conclusions. If a message upsets you or seems questionable, read it again after a day or two and allow more of the big picture come into focus.
Sigmund Freud, C. G. Jung and others say we often project onto others our own wishes, ideals and unexamined shortcomings, especially when we’re stressed or decentered.
And your e-pal might have spousal, family and occupational responsibilities that could influence the way they’re relating to you.
Generally people have good reasons for doing – or not doing – things.
So try not to form hasty, ill-informed opinions. Always give the benefit of the doubt.
A Golden Rule of Internet Correspondence?
Perhaps the Golden Rule of web correspondence is to remember that there’s a real, flesh and blood person on the receiving end of your message.
That person has all the same kinds of hopes and dreams that most us have.
Maybe try to visualize the recipient of your message as if having a tête-à-tête.
If you don’t know what your e-pal looks like, try visualizing them with an imagined likeness based on everything you’ve read. |
Be as honest as possible
As with local relationships, I take my extended e-relationships seriously.
This is probably because I value insight and spiritual connectedness, making the notion of ‘boundaries’ seem more a developmental than an absolute reality.
Along these lines, the Catholic teaching on ‘the communion of saints’ implies that, at some level, we’re all one spiritual family.
This Loving Way is expressed in Galatians 3:28 of the New Testament.
Yes, it’s an ideal and life isn’t always like that. But
it’s an ideal worth working towards.
So be as honest as possible. It pays in the long run.
Wait your turn
Think about it. if someone doesn’t reply to your message there’s bound to be a good reason. To hound them with repeated messages is rude and could develop into a kind of unsavory stalking.
A pretty obvious rule of thumb is to wait your turn.
If you’ve just sent a message, wait until your correspondent replies before writing again. This gives them time to process your information.
There are exceptions to this. For instance, we might have forgotten, corrected or updated something and want to add a quick ‘p.s.’ That’s okay, providing the follow-up is brief and necessary.
Don’t try to push buttons or play mind games
Misunderstandings are inevitable. But if we set out to test, irk or outdo another, we’re merely being facetious and not contributing to better e-culture. By the same token, this doesn’t mean squelching good-natured playfulness. But here, as with everything else, sensitivity and care are required.
If your well intentioned humor doesn’t work, then think again.
Remember that the internet is not necessarily secure
This is well-known today. But there was a time when people looked at me as if I’d just arrived from Mars when suggesting that some creepy stranger could be reading their private messages.
Every now and then I’ve received e-mail where people seem to get carried away and forget they’re potentially talking to the whole world when clicking ’send.’ Also remember that your e-pal might forward your material to others without your knowing it.
This is really cheesy. But it can happen.
Say what you mean and mean what you say
This may sound like something from a James Bond or Austin Powers movie. But it’s a good motto.
It’s about being honest and, moreover, actively speaking your mind. This can be tricky because often we want to meet people halfway. And opinions are always limited so it’s wise to suspend judgment to see if anything new can be learned.
But even anonymous internet users should try to make clear what they really think and not play head games or perhaps vent anger that they don’t have the courage or means to express in a civilized manner.
Try to find a common language
This involves modes of expression, local dialects and so on.
Nobody likes a fake or phony. But if your new correspondent is using the Queen’s English, you might want to think twice before using your usual slang.
Then again, you might not care or think it’s more appropriate to stick to your usual dialect. I suppose this depends on how much one identifies with one’s usual routine.
Forget physical appearance, age, sex, income level, etc.
Go to Lavalife if you’re looking for hot romance.
Otherwise, remember that the young and pretty are bound to age. Youth and old age are appealing in different ways.
The most important beauty is inside. An old cliché, perhaps. But it’s true.
Is another person burdened with unresolved issues? Or do they radiate goodness like a bright, shining light?
Most of us – except for a very few saints – are a bit of both.
Try to treat everyone individually. This doesn’t mean treating everyone exactly the same because everyone is not the same.
But strive to treat the young and pretty in the same respectful spirit as the elderly and pretty.
Learn from your mistakes
If you happen to unwittingly cross some line and offend another person, reflect long and hard as to why it happened.
Provided it was just a mistake, don’t take all the blame. It usually takes two to tango and playing scapegoat or martyr doesn’t help anybody.
But don’t run away from your fair share of personal responsibility either. Only young children, immature adults, adults in denial, sociopaths and fanatics are unable to acknowledge their share of responsibility.
Instead of playing the blame game, avoid or possibly redirect the situation that brought about the misunderstanding. And if another person repeatedly crosses your line and doesn’t show any signs of remorse or changing for the better, you might think about politely withdrawing.
Imply don’t insinuate
Sometimes it’s better to hint instead of saying things outright. Everybody does this consciously or subconsciously.
But instead of insinuating it’s better to imply.
To imply is to allude to things in a positive way, trying to connect through indirect or roundabout honesty.
By way of contrast, insinuation is a dark art where nasty things are connoted.
If we try to be positive while alluding to things, others should catch the good vibe and reply in kind. And if they don’t, well, at least we tried.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you
Rough day? Stressed out? Don’t use this as an excuse to treat others in ways that you, yourself, wouldn’t like to be treated.
Christian believer or not, this New Testament guideline really sums it up. In fact, many world religions advocate a similar philosophy.
Most people don’t like being insulted, lied to, cheated or manipulated–unless, of course, they’re negative attention seekers.
But that’s not healthy and should be avoided or perhaps redirected.
Recognize when to let go
Everybody needs space from time to time.
It seems my most stimulating contacts rotate on an informal, undetermined schedule. Months, even years, might pass before a contact and I discursively reconnect. And it’s possible that people interact on subtler levels even if not directly messaging.
Instead of neurotically clinging to someone we like, if they start to tone things down, back off and possibly let it go.
Like the sun behind the clouds, they’ll come back when the time is right. And if not, chalk it up to experience. There’s over 1.4 billion internet users out there, so don’t get stuck on one person.
Life is about moving on, and a web is always stronger than a single thread.
Disclaimer: This is not a medical nor legal document.
Those with psychiatric issues are advised to consult an appropriate health professional
“Boundaries, the Web and Global Culture” © Michael Clark. All rights reserved.
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